I was particularly sensitive that day, my cat's going to live elsewhere (long story) and I was on my way to drop her things when a lady reached out to me with a little complaint.
I of course take it on board... not everyone wants swear words popping up on their email but it nudged me to share a little something with you.
My life has been effing hard.
I haven’t had it easy, I haven’t been born into privilege or well educated or taught anything. I’m from working class as they come middle England and It’s been quite a journey.
I’m glad I didn’t conform or listen when I perhaps "should" have, but instead carved out my own path, even though no one understood it, had my back or walked by my side for very long.
I don’t know what drove me to try so many things and move so far and so fast, it was like I was searching for something but I didn’t know what, experiencing so many shades of life, learning, always moving forwards. Originally I thought everyone was OK apart from me… I seemed to be the only one in my world who couldn’t stay in a job without going crazy, who was reading psychology books instead of just partying and having a laugh... instead I was stoned and morbid. Life was dark, I was dark….
I learned to meditate but always took it to the extreme… meditating for pretty much months, far away deep in solitude. I travelled and travelled, and experienced and experienced. I delved to the depths of my shadows and flirted with danger like it was a necessary thing to understand myself, because even I was confused as to what I was doing.
Breathwork allowed me to feel into all these parts that were so fragmented from trauma… trauma from this life and many lifetimes I now believe. I’ve been through a lot…. I’ll finish my book one day if any of you feel to read it, but even then I don’t know how I can put it all into one book. It’s been hellish… I laugh now because it all makes sense.
Breathwork journeys cradled my broken parts, retrieving my darkened soul and loving myself back together. Ayahuasca journeys had me journeying through the emotions and hidden stories stuck inside panic and asthma attacks, purging grief and rage like I’ve never seen that’s for sure. I’m tough and strong and raw, and hella compassionate… and still a little frustrated with how things are, with how people treat each other, and how to manoeuvre my way within it all.
So if I swear sometimes… well I think I’ve earnt it. And if you breathe with me, well I might urge you to swear too, because you have also earned it. This world is a challenge to say the least. Whether it’s the unfairness and monotony of day to day life, or the absolute tragedy of war, violence and hardship.
My work is about uncovering those hidden parts of us that are unpalatable, unseen and unloved… so that we can love ourselves back together… to learn from our pain and become wiser…. Something that I hope ripples out into the world as we get more soft, more understanding, compassionate and connected. I am not and never will be just a relaxing facilitator, I’m more likely to shock you back to life… -- in the most loving and vulnerable way.
So whilst I will take on board - probably not to swear in the heading of an email 🙈😅
I believe everything happens for a reason...
We are never going to please everyone, and should we even be trying?
In a world where we want to put everything into tidy boxes…. Can't we just smash those boxes already and choose to just love each other for who and what we are? Can we accept some are tougher round the edges and perhaps consider why that might be? I’m bored of the boxes. The compartmentalisation and protocol of walking in certain ways to be accepted. Can’t we just have one big box instead?
Just one big box of acceptance, and love this world back together.......?
That’s the kind of world I’m working to manifest.
And that brings me back to women’s day… a day where I see how women I’m surrounded by are busying their asses to be better, to care for others, to make the world a better place… Unseen and not given half the respect they deserve. One "friend" left me out her yearly praise women post because I think suicide as protest is not the way. Groups of women have turned their backs on me over the years because I am "too dark" too this or that.
Support on this planet is fickle… If you might disagree… If you might speak a deeper truth…. Easier to stay in circles of people pleasers and fake smiling pacifiers. Easier to just pretend...
Clinging to others for stability rather than navigating from your true self.
It’s not easy as a women who stands apart. Even most of those who claim to stand apart and speak their mind, do they really? The people pleasing runs deep...
It's dangerous territory... And so I wonder... how much of this is from our witch wound...?
Where we were killed, accused and outed...
Drenched in suspicion and fear.
As we reclaim our power as women, maybe we will begin to recognise, this witch wound that echoes deeply within us all…........
Back centuries and beyond ~ since women have be written out of history books, their power almost forgotten, burnt at the stake and shrouded.
But then maybe some experiences are meant to burn right through us to realign us back to who we truly are.........
So we can finally stand in our true power.
